tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6730657139931062421.post6617922033194818781..comments2023-05-14T03:03:09.451-05:00Comments on Female Impersonator: Consent and coming outAmeliahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10884754298018500343noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6730657139931062421.post-72245478518573059292010-08-23T17:23:14.252-05:002010-08-23T17:23:14.252-05:00I understand where you're coming from, actuall...I understand where you're coming from, actually, as your type of relationship (as described in these comments) mirrors sexual relationships I've had in the past.<br /><br />The problem with waiting for a "no" is that while it may seem to be working with your current partner who you seem to indicate is able and willing to say no every time she is not wanting sexual activity (same goes for you, from what I can gather), this creates a mindset that may not work well if you have different partners in the future.<br /><br />What if you ended this relationship and were with someone else who, for whatever reason, was not able or willing to say no whenever they did not want sex? If you were used to hearing "no" to keep you from pursuing things, then you could end up doing something that they did not want. That could lead to some thorny situations, including assault.<br /><br />And I don't think that's something you'd want, even if you believe that your current method works with your current partner.Ameliahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10884754298018500343noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6730657139931062421.post-8856983502701902252010-08-23T16:27:24.896-05:002010-08-23T16:27:24.896-05:00Well, see, that's what I mean. She assumes th...Well, see, that's what I mean. She assumes the right to pounce, and vice-versa, but if either of us say "nah, not right now", then it's not right now.<br /><br />I don't see how, (your second paragraph), frankly. You don't have to ask for consent in order to be told "Maybe later".<br /><br />If your partner were to make a move on you, and you were on level 17, about to beat the final boss, and really didn't want to be interrupted, you could simply say "In a little while", and they wouldn't have had to ask you for consent, but you'd still be within your rights to revoke it.<br /><br />Like I said, your way works for you, but for us, in my relationship, the idea of either of us having to ask, every single time, comes off as a little silly and extraneous.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6730657139931062421.post-25133431829900425542010-08-23T13:40:06.661-05:002010-08-23T13:40:06.661-05:00The idea of assumed consent makes me cringe, to be...The idea of assumed consent makes me cringe, to be honest. Consent can never be assumed. While being in a relationship with someone with whom sex is a normal activity may mean that there are certain acts that are established as things that you appreciate and enjoy, it can not rightfully be assumed that your partner (or yourself) will want any certain thing any time the other person is up for it. That is where affirmative and enthusiastic consent comes into play.<br /><br />There may always be times when either partner may not want sex at all, and if consent isn't asked for every time, this can be overlooked and unwanted contact would be possible.<br /><br />Also, it should never be anyone's responsibility to tell their partner that they don't appreciate something or don't want something. That's a major problem with the whole "no means no" idea - there are many situations in which it may be impossible for someone to say no, even when they don't want what is happening. It could be pressure from the partner, or not wanting to disappoint them, or a number of other reasons that make it difficult to say "no," and when asking for a "yes" would have indicated that the time was not right.Ameliahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10884754298018500343noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6730657139931062421.post-46988309371965920072010-08-23T13:15:17.646-05:002010-08-23T13:15:17.646-05:00Your opinion about my sex life (always great to ha...<i>Your opinion about my sex life (always great to have other people expressing opinions about my sex life! Woo!) is based on assumptions that you seem unwilling to let go.</i><br /><br />Thus the price of putting it out there for people to discuss, I guess.<br /><br />It's not an assumption, so much as "My way sounds spontaneous, romantic, sexy, and fun, and your way does not". Like I said, it might be fantastic for you, but not for me.<br /><br />We operate under assumed consent, I suppose. If she wants to pounce me, it's up to me to say "No, not right now", as opposed to her having to ask if it's okay TO pounce.<br /><br />See what I'm saying? It, in my opinion, would ruin all spontaneity if she had to ask permission first.<br /><br />I find, in a relationship, assumed consent makes more sense than the average "I just met you" assumed non-consent.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6730657139931062421.post-44479649882964465632010-08-20T15:35:39.402-05:002010-08-20T15:35:39.402-05:00Your opinion about my sex life (always great to ha...Your opinion about my sex life (always great to have other people expressing opinions about my sex life! Woo!) is based on assumptions that you seem unwilling to let go.<br /><br />I already addressed your assumption that my practice of enthusiastic consent entails the following:<br /><br /><i>draw[ing] to a complete stop, ask[ing] questions, discuss[ing], and then start[ing] up.</i><br /><br />A simple, "Do you like this, babe?" does not require a complete stop in the action unless the answer is not a clear affirmative. It also doesn't require much more than that amount of discussion.<br /><br />You also assume that spontaneity is a no-go in a situation in which partners practice enthusiastic consent. Well, to be blunt, my partner and I really enjoy various kinds of spontaneity. It was something that we discussed before it ever happened, so we had established that it was something we were both interested in, so now when the mood strikes us, we can make first moves and see how our partner responds (positively and enthusiastically or unenthusiastically) and continue or discontinue from there. <br /><br />There is a lot of room for varied sexual acts under the guidance of enthusiastic consent as my partner and I practice it. Again, the sex is even better because we are able to communicate in multiple ways about what we want.Ameliahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10884754298018500343noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6730657139931062421.post-53635020732407226802010-08-20T15:19:51.128-05:002010-08-20T15:19:51.128-05:00See, the difference is, when I have sex, it's ...See, the difference is, when I have sex, it's apparent both parties want to engage in it.<br /><br />I can tell based on her reactions, sounds she makes, ways she moves, if she enjoys or does not enjoy.<br /><br />She can do the same with me. If I'm dead silent while she's doing something, then she will assume that something isn't working, and try a new thing.<br /><br />We don't have to draw to a complete stop, ask questions, discuss, and then start up.<br /><br />We're also big on spontaneity. If I'm on the computer, goofing around, and suddenly there's a naked woman in my lap, I'm not going to sit back and demand she ask my consent. I'm going to kiss her and transfer that event to the bed.<br /><br />You get where I'm going here?<br /><br />I'm not trying to sound contentious. Just trying to show why *I* think, in my opinion, your way sounds unromantic and unsexy.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6730657139931062421.post-85816097311625193592010-08-19T16:35:14.164-05:002010-08-19T16:35:14.164-05:00Consent being "unsexy" is actually a top...Consent being "unsexy" is actually a topic I tackle at my college, where I engage in conversations and workshops about sexual assault/consent quite regularly.<br /><br />And in fact, consent can be incredibly sexy. Asking your partner if they like what you're doing and hearing them say "Yes" can be a major turn on. In no way does it require stopping the action (at least right away) or signing forms. It does require you to respect your partner and make sure you're paying attention to them. If they seem to be somewhere else in their head, for example, you should stop what you're doing.<br /><br />The feminism-informed sex I am currently having is the most amazing sex I've ever had in my life. For the first time ever (as I mention in my post), I actually <i>want</i> sex because my partner takes the time to make sure I am enjoying what is happening, which means I'm actually getting what I want out of the sex (and vice versa). It's hot.Ameliahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10884754298018500343noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6730657139931062421.post-55076158716375310922010-08-19T16:27:52.650-05:002010-08-19T16:27:52.650-05:00That sounds like THE single most boring, unromanti...That sounds like THE single most boring, unromantic, unsexy, and completely unenjoyable sex act I've ever heard of.<br /><br />No offense, if signing forms in triplicate while you make love is your thing, more power to you, but it sounds completely sterile to me.<br /><br />I can't possibly imagine having to stop every few moments to have to have a discussion about the act going on.<br /><br />Ugh. Sucks the life, spontaneity, romance, and, well, fun right out of it.<br /><br />At least in my opinion.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6730657139931062421.post-42215815792962239202010-08-19T15:07:37.641-05:002010-08-19T15:07:37.641-05:00Feminism informs the type of consent that my partn...Feminism informs the type of consent that my partner and I practice. Yes isn't the end of things. We check in with each other frequently, and if we even suspect that one of us is not enjoying the act, we stop. These are the types of things that feminists talk about, thus making our sex "feminism-informed."Ameliahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10884754298018500343noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6730657139931062421.post-1294653655611057322010-08-19T14:59:52.046-05:002010-08-19T14:59:52.046-05:00"Feminism-informed sex"?
What the hell ..."Feminism-informed sex"?<br /><br />What the hell does that even <i>mean</i>?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com