I'm sorry, Sheldon Anderson, Republican candidate for the Minnesota House from Wyoming, MN, but how is this an April Fool's Joke?
It just makes you sound like an asshole.
The Declaration of Independence says that all people have unalienable rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. I think many of the things you list would fall under at least one of those categories for people out there. I may parse your use of "entitled," but I think we're talking about almost the same thing.